Ode to The Tourney

AFTER TWENTY-ONE YEARS OF THIS TOURNEY - MINT  

IT'S ABOUT TIME WE GOT SOMETHING IN PRINT  

ABOUT DAVID KEMP - WHO COME RAIN OR SHINE  

ORGANISES EVERYTHING FOR US JUST FINE  

 

FIRST PLAYED ON THE EDEN AND THE NEW 

COS THE JUBILEE COURSE HAD NOT EVEN GREW  

TWAS IN 1984 THAT A YOUNG MAN - D. K. 

THOUGHT THAT THE OLD COURSE WAS TOO HARD TO PLAY  

 

SO, A SEVENTY-TWO HOLER WAS INVENTED  

WITH A NEW TROPHY NOT YET PRESENTED  

WITH 24 GUYS AND MANY SPECIAL PRIZES 

PLUS INTERNATIONAL ENTRANTS IN ALL SORTS OF GUISES  

 

WITH HAMILTON HALLS TO LAY DOWN YOUR HEAD  

AND THE NEW CLUB TO EAT AND DRINK LOTS OF RED  

IT'S TRUE FINER VENUES COULD NEVER BE DREAMED  

FOR THE BEST WEEKENDS EVER - SO IT SEEMED  

 

THERE'S BEEN OVER 200 PLAYERS UP TILL THIS YEAR  

COMBINING GOLF, CURRY, FINE WINES AND BEER  

THERE ARE SO MANY TROPHIES ALL TO BE WON 

BUT WHO REALLY KNOWS HOW IT ALL BEGUN?  

 

THE JIGGER TROPHY WAS CALLED THE JISSER INSTEAD  

BECAUSE THE ENGRAVER GOT "G" AND "S" MISREAD 

SO WHEN IT CAME BACK WITH ITS AWFUL MISSPELL  

DAVID TOOK A LOOK AND SAID - OCH TO HELL!  

 

AND WHO ELSE BUT DAVE'S PLAYED IN ALL TWENTY-ONE? 

THE ANSWER RESOUNDINGLY IS ZERO - NOT ONE  

AND WHO HAS WON TROPHIES MORE THAN THE MOST  

ONCE AGAIN KEMPIE LEAVES YOU ALL FOR TOAST 

 

​SIX TIMES WINNER - HE'S UP THERE WITH WOODS  

NOT BAD FOR A ROWER AGAINST ALL THESE DUDES  

BUT HE'S GOT THE SECRET AND MOST OF THE CASH  

IT'S GO TO BED EARLY AND STAY OFF THE LASH  

 

HE TRIED LAST YEAR AND FAILED WITH A BANG 

AS HE WAS GOING TO BED - MIKE EVERETT SANG 

"ITS 5 A.M. AND NOW TIME TO GET UP  

WE'RE ON THE TEE AND UP FOR THE CUP"  

 

AND TO THE NEXT TROPHY – THE WATTY ONE  

WELL, HOW ON EARTH DID THAT GET DONE? 

THERE'S A STORY ABOUT THIS THATS NEVER BEEN TOLD  

IS IT OK DAVE - MAY I BE SO BOLD?  

 

WELL, THERE'S A BAR IN LEITH - WATERFRONT - IT’S NICE  

SOME GUYS WITH DAVE BOUGHT CHAMPAGNE ON ICE  

AND IN THE BRIGHT SUN D.K. KEPT SQUINTING 

AT THE SHINY HOLDER - IT KEPT ON GLINTING  

 

BECAUSE THE KIND BAR SUPPLIED AN ICE BUCKET  

T’WAS SPOTTED BY DAVE WHO THOUGHT - AH FUCKIT  

WE'LL FLOAT IT AWAY ON THE WATER OF LEITH 

AND COLLECT IT MUCH LATER - ‘COS I'M NOT A THIEF ​

 

WE'LL GET IT ENGRAVED - THAT'LL BE NAUGHTY  

AND NAME IT AFTER THE BAR - THE WATTIE 

AND SO IT CONTINUES TO THE PRESENT DAY  

THE WATTY BUCKET - WHAT DO YA SAY? ​

 

TO THE RABBIT RINGER - NOW THAT'S QUITE ODD  

YOU PICK YOUR HOLES AND PRAY TO GOD 

THAT THE ONES LEFT OUT MAKE IT THROUGH  

AND IF THEY DON'T IT'S DOWN TO YOU 

 

WHICH REALLY JUST LEAVES THE OTHER PRIZES 

WHERE WINNERS COME IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES 

FROM LONGEST DRIVES TO NEAREST THE PIN  

EVERYONE’S GOT A GOOD CHANCE TO WIN  

 

BUT - LAST AND NOT LEAST - THE JOCKEYS AND HORSES  

WHO CAN PREDICT THE KING OF THE COURSES? 

DO IT IN STYLE AND CHOOSE THE WINNER 

OR GET IT ALL WRONG AND GO HOME A SINNER

  

BUT WHAT IF FOR YOU A PRIZE IS NOT LANDED  

YOU DON'T GO AWAY ALL EMPTY HANDED  

FOR A BRILLIANT WEEKEND IS ALWAYS HAD  

WHETHER YOUR GOLF IS GOOD BAD OR BAD

 

WHICH BRINGS US BACK NICELY TO DAVE, KEMPEEZE, DK. 

PLEASE BE UPSTANDING WHILE YOU HEAR WHAT WE SAY  

FOR 21 YEARS - YOU'VE LOOKED AFTER US GOOD 

AND HOPEFULLY MANY MORE - PLEASE IF YOU COULD  

 

SO - FROM EVERYONE HERE - THIS IS FOR YOU 

COS YOUR OLD GOLF BAG JUST SIMPLY WON'T DO  

HAVE MANY GREAT ROUNDS, WELL A FEW AT ANY RATE  

THANKS AGAIN BUDDY, CHEERS THEN MATE!